Clocks

This has been a very emotional, and also very difficult week since I have been back in Manhattan. I've been able to verbalize what I've been feeling in writing, but I like to refrain from posting too much personal information on this blog.

The short version - I had another death in the family. Another *loss* (as 'they' say) another change another tick tock click forward in the concept of 'time'. More 'I'm sorry for your loss', sympathetic looks, tentative hugs, condolence notes and the like.

I've spoken to friends at length; friends who I admire and envy for pulling the true thoughts out of my brain. Friends who are not afraid to ask questions. Friends who care enough to be persistent. Friends who know me well enough to know when my happy-perky-i'm fine and you-oh yeah-every thing's great! is the real deal and when it it is just an act.

Mostly, it is the real deal. It is.

But only a select few know when I say what I mean or mean what I say or speak for the sake of filling the void of silence. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life. And that's all I'll say about that.

As for what my emotional week has been like -- it's many things happening all at once. Life and Death and beginnings and endings and time which always seems to go on and on and on yet lurking out there is the knowledge (and proof) that life eventually stops.

I've always found the concept of time peculiar. And I have spent many an evening contemplating it's inherent purpose and meaning while at the same time distracting myself from insomnia by watching the neon light of the digital numbers at my bedside clock click on over to the next number every 60 seconds.

We measure our hours, days, weeks, months, years by clocks and calendars. When things are going well we wish we could stop time and when we are unhappy, bored, dissatisfied we can't wait for the clock hands to progress forward. Something I'm learning is just how important it is to live in the moment. In the present. Not to obsess over past mistakes and not to fear the unknown that the future will bring. Easier said than done but it gets easier every day, minute, second, nanosecond....click, click, tock, tick, tick, tock, stop. We have right now. This second. This moment.

Are you enjoying it?

Right now, now yes now, I am.

In about a month I'm turning 30. What is '30'? When I was 10, '30' was an old lady. When I was 21, '30' was a woman who had her sh*t together. Who knew what she wanted and either had already found it or was already well on her way to achieving the goals she set when she was a teenager.

And I believed this for a long time. Time snuck up fast. Now I agree with Tamara. '30' is a jean size that I am currently proud to fit into (waist only, I had to get the bottoms of my three pairs hemmed because I'm short!)

So let's forget 'time' for awhile. I'm going to let life happen and enjoy every moment. I'm going to take what comes, the good and the bad, and deal with it as it happens.

Yesterday, two dozen roses appeared at my door. Very, very thoughtful. Enough to put in my bedroom and living room in two seperate vases. Thank you!